004. Video; un: driver

[killertrack]

[ When the video starts, nothing shows but a Cadelle street. It's the middle of the night and the streetlamps are all the light around. There's music playing, obviously coming from the phone's speakers, tinny. But it's half covered by Baby's humming. ]

Hellooooo everyone! I thought I'd sing you a lullaby.

[ It's obvious that Baby is drunk when he starts speaking, even without being on the screen, and it's even more obvious when he moves the camera a little, half his face appearing, shadowed by the streetlights he's walking under. He's wearing sunglasses.

Eyes half closed, the unsteadiness of the video shows how much Baby has had earlier. He stumbles for a step, then stops, laughing to himself as he runs a hand over his face.

Then, he starts singing, along with the song playing: ]

So take a look at me now
Since I told you it's over
You got a hole in your heart
I'll find a four leaf clover
You can't tell me this now
This far down the line
That you're never, ever gonna get over me

[ He might be drunk, but at least he's not a bad singer. It's a bit wobbly, and there are tears in his voice as he sings, the words feeling like they're stabbing him, over and over.

Isabelle's gone.

He stops singing, looking ahead at the mostly empty street. He stumbles again, closes his eyes while he takes a deep breath, head tilted up to the sky. When he opens them again, and then turns to the camera, he's grinning. ]

Feels like a perfect night for a joyride, right?

[ The words are slurred, and Baby's smile is already wavering, but then he turns the camera to his car, parked a few feet away. ]

Comments

[killertrack]

[ Kimberly. Lovely, sweet, funny Kimberly. Kimberly, who is still here. The girl he hurt, when he didn't mean to. Here.

She's a good friend, and Baby wants to stick his tongue out and taste the snow. Music is still playing from his phone's speakers, but he ignores it as he looks at Kimberly. He reaches out, running the back of two fingers against her cheek as he smiles at her, feeling just as unsteady as a moment ago. ]

I'm just enjoying the night, Kimberly. [ Drunkenly so. Oh so drunkenly. Slurred words as he fishes his keys in his jacket pocket. ]

It's a nice one, isn't it? You wanna go for a drive?

[recoined]

( oh, yeah. he's "enjoying the night", alright. enjoying the night, more like enjoying the buzz off whatever he's been drinking thus far in the evening. her money's on whiskey, if he's been at mahogany — but more importantly, she knows that whatever it's been, there's been way too much for him to get behind the wheel of a car. absolutely way too much. kimberly's seen a few too many melodramatic madd commercials to ever risk it. )

A drive? ( act cool. totally chill. no reason to spook the drunken man. ) Why don't we... walk instead? It's a nice night, you know, we can walk a little. Get some fresh air.

( she doesn't shy away from his touch, but she does reach out to take his hand, pulling him gently towards the street. away from the car, really. )

Come on, Baby, come walk with me.

[killertrack]

[ He sighs when she takes his hand, stepping away from his car with a look over his shoulder, regret making his heart heavy. Not just about the drive he's not going for, but for everything he's not done, or not said. For all these moments he could have spent with Isabelle and didn't. For seconds wasted. For refusing to follow her. ]

Okay.

[ He feels like he's about to cry, and he runs the back of his free hand under his nose, tilting his head up towards the sky again, letting the snowflakes fall on his face, tiny shocks of cold that somehow do nothing to make him feel more like himself.

He'd like another drink, at this point. ]

What are you doing out?

[recoined]

( kimberly is not unfamiliar with the concept of sadness. she's been sad too, the kind of soul-crushing self-inflicted sadness that can't be shaken off with just a friendly hello or a distraction. she's been sad here, too. their sadness shares a cause, it seems — after all, she knows who left. she has an idea of why baby might be quite so sad. but, if she's honest, kimberly has to admit she's not so sad about it herself.

but that doesn't mean she can't be there for baby when he is. she's careful to step closer, enough that their shoulders brush together as they walk; her thumb sweeps over the back of his hand, a reassuring touch repeated with each step. )

I was just going for a run. ( technically true. she was running. and also climbing over buildings and leaping off them, practicing mid-fall flips and tucks and rolls. but that's not very important, not right now. ) I'm glad I found you.

( a clump of snowflakes have stuck to his lashes, face still tipped up to the cold. her free hand reaches out to brush them away, fingertips soft against his cheek as they pull away. )

Tell me if you get too cold, okay? We can always go inside and warm up.

[killertrack]

[ At this point, Baby doesn't really feel the cold anymore. He can't tell if it's the alcohol, or just the numbness that accompanies wanting to forget all about recent events. It's taking every possible ounce of strength for him to not just break down, because there's a part of him that refuses to do so, especially in front of Kimberly.

Not that he's trying to appear stronger than he is. But he can't help but feel awkward, considering their past. She might not want to hear about his broken heart, and he wouldn't blame her for it. He squeezes his fingers around hers, probably holding on a little tighter than he has to, feeling the softness of her skin against his. ]

Why are you glad? I'm a mess.

[ It's the first truthful thing he's said in hours. He's been pretending to be fine, to be sober, he's pretended like he's happy to be here. The only one to apparently not buy any of his bullshit had been Otis, curling up to him every chance he got. Probable he's heartbroken too, the poor thing. ]

Would you walk me home? I should probably take - [ A little hiccup. ] - Otis out for a walk.

[recoined]

( she doesn't disagree with him. he is a mess. a drunken, sad mess of a man, but that doesn't mean she cares any less. she's glad she found him because she cares, because if she hadn't, who knows what might have happened. would he have gotten behind the wheel with his vision blurry and senses dulled? even though there's few cars on the road on this hour, there are plenty of sharp corners or even tall hills, and kimberly can't help but imagine the various terrible scenarios that might have happened with the combination of too much to drink and too much confidence behind the wheel.

there's no hesitation in her squeeze back, hand tightly curled against his as they walk. ) Yeah, babe, I can do that. ( it might take a little longer than usual, what with the slight sway to baby's steps, but she's patient. she'll be patient, for him, right now. )

You wanna talk about it?

( he doesn't have to. but if he wants to, she's listening. )

[killertrack]

[ The next breath he lets out is like a raspberry, lips pursed out as he contemplates the idea of talking about it. Right now, talking about it just feels...

It feels like something he doesn't want to do, but also something he can't stop himself doing. He looks ahead, shrugs once, a little violently, and stumbles, before he starts talking. ]

I just. I feel... angry? Sad, but also angry. She knew. From the beginning, she knew she'd leave, and she still let it happen. And it's unfair. It's just unfair.

[ He definitely is a huge mess. And he knows, he'll get over it - probably - but he's not ready to do it just yet. ]

[recoined]

I'm sorry.

( it's not enough. the words are a drop in the bucket, she knows, but she has to try.

she knew she'd leave, he says, and the bitterness swells in her throat before kimberly has a chance to stop it. the girl had left — not just the city, but baby, and even though kimberly only holds his hand as a friend, she knows he deserved better. he deserved somebody who would let him shower them with affection, who would return it in kind with sincerity, who wouldn't take advantage. who wouldn't leave.

her own notice still sat on her dresser, taunting her with the opportunity to make good on the city's promises, but kimberly hadn't touched it yet. she hadn't been ready to go; listening to baby, seeing how a departure had affected him, only strengthened her resolve to stay. maybe it was a little selfish on her part, too, but she felt a little better about it having someone else's needs in mind along the way.

besides, it's not like anyone at home even knew she was gone. what was the harm in staying where she was so happy a little longer? )

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not going anywhere.

[killertrack]

[ Thing was, Baby knew the anger he currently felt would be short-lived. He'd spent so long being angry and feeling trapped, back home, it was a familiar feeling rolling around in his heart, but he knew. He knew it was the alcohol lowering his inhibitions and allowing him to feel everything harder.

He couldn't exactly stay angry at Isabelle for very long. What she was doing, back in her home, was too important. It was a lot more important than Baby was. And he'd known she wanted to go home as soon as possible, and he'd gone in without hesitation anyway. He'd known, and he'd allowed himself to open up and fall for her anyway. He could have held himself back. It just wasn't really in his nature to do so.

Shifting, Baby lets go of Kimberly's hand, to wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to his side. ]

It does.

[ Words are stupid, and they never work out for Baby. But hopefully, actions speak louder. ]

I know you guys will keep me going.

[recoined]

( they're peas of a pod in this way. actions resonate with them so much louder than any words spoken, and when baby tugs her in, kimberly responds in kind, leaning up on tiptoes to brush her lips against his cheek. just a feather-light touch. enough to be felt, warmth and sweetness and kindness all in one. )

You're stuck with me. ( and clary, and robbie, and all his other friends. but right now, she just means herself. she's not going anywhere any time soon. ) Sorry, not sorry.

( there's a smile curving at the corner of her mouth, small and almost hesitant; she wants more than anything for things to be okay for him now too, but kimberly knows it's not something that'll happen overnight. )

[killertrack]

[ He lets out a soft, snorty-like laugh, feeling his face scrunch up in the cold. His mom used to say it'd get stuck like that. It's one of the few things he remembers, outside of the music, and it sticks to him now, like a warm, bittersweet blanket. ]

I'm not sorry either. About being stuck with you, I mean.

[ He knows he's not the most coherent, that he's barely making any sense at this point. He's drunk, and he's sad, and he's not sure if he'll ever feel any different. Right now it feels like this is it. ]

I'm glad you and Robbie are doing good. I'm glad you're around a lot.

[recoined]

Me too. ( her expression shifts a little, fond and warm and gentle too; if there ever was a bad time to be lovesick, it's exactly right now, and kimberly does her best to swallow down the sudden urge to gush a bit about it all. instead, she just leans in a little bit closer as they walk, quiet for a few moments as she considers what she wants to say. ) It's really good.

( it helps that she likes being around, now that things have come back to normal. she likes that waking up and meandering down to the kitchen doesn't mean praying not to run into anyone, but instead offers opportunities for pre-shift meals and chit-chat; she likes staying up late in the living room, watching cheesy movies or listening to baby's endless mixtapes while they eat whatever they've ordered in. she likes the camaraderie of it all, how cozy it feels. )

I think... I think I love him, you know? Which is kind of scary, actually.

( it's the first time she's said it out loud to anyone before. maybe it's that baby's drunk, and unlikely to remember, but she thinks now's an okay time to say it. )

[killertrack]

[ The words Kimberly say stick through Baby, sharp and painful, twisting his stomach into knots. For a second, he feels like he's going to throw up, but he swallows it down, squeezing her hand a little too tightly for a moment. Then he takes a deep breath. This isn't about him, this is about Kimberly and Robbie. ]

That's good. It's scary but it's good. You deserve it.

[ And she does. And so does Robbie.

Baby loves Isabelle, and he thought, for a fleeting moment, that it'd be enough to keep her around. Hopefully Kimberly and Robbie can make it work, better than Baby managed. ]

I'm glad I didn't end up keeping you from finding love, Kim.